Ex-Evangelical. Lesbian. Christian.
The world isn’t nearly as black and white as I was taught. This is the break in my worldview; the hurricane hitting my harbor, the chaos in my carefully structured universe.
I’ve struggled with depression since I was very young, and I suppose my frustration with the church in which I grew up stems from their inability to talk about that. “Pray it away” was the common response for an admission of depression, as it was with many other things.
Me being gay has very little to do with anything really, except that my upbringing demands that it have everything to do with everything. I spent 23 years of my life being told that people like my friends–like me– were an abomination, perverted, anti-christian, inherently liars, devil-possessed, and lost. Despite being told that I could never lose my salvation, I was told constantly that being gay was repulsive and could keep you from God.
This didn’t do wonders for my mental health. It was only my first girlfriend who managed to break through the layers in my brain that told me I was worthless, disgusting, an abomination. Instead, she said I was beautiful; that God created the most loving person she’s ever known.
Being called “God’s creation” just as I was caused a lot of cognitive dissonance, and it’s been something that I’ve been working through for a few years now.
I started by leaving the church in which I grew up. Now, I’ve been deconstructing the religion in which I was raised; reading other viewpoints on both sides and trying to decide where I fit. I’m trying to think for myself.
I’m okay with leaving questions unanswered. I”m okay with saying “I don’t know.” What I’m not okay with is feeling as if I were better off dead. I’m not okay with thinking that the world would be better without my friends in it–without me in it. I’m not okay with how Evangelicals treat those of different religion, skin color, economic status, political affiliation, or sexual orientation.
Writing has always been my therapy, so here I am. This is my hurricane of thoughts.
If you want to leave a comment, that’s chill. I don’t fight people or bite. All I ask is that you have grace for those with different opinions and that you please you kind words when responding to others.
God bless. Take care, everyone.